It has long been recognised that the life of a person is separated into stages, for example childhood, adolescence, adulthood, middle age and old age. In books and magazines, these ages look very clearly defined and universal. Oh, if only it were so, we would all know when to go and buy our comfy slippers and cardigans. In some ways it is more straightforward for women than for men because for women there is a clearly defined physiological element. Generally female menopause occurs around 50, although genetics or gynaecological problems may dictate an earlier onset. The dramatic hormonal changes and their effects on the reproduction imperative produce emotional and physiological symptoms that, although well known and well documented, put a great strain on relationships, both at home and at work. There are many medical interventions available to help with these changes, and although the effects can last for between five and 15 years, their severity can be managed. Right from the beginning male and female development and direction diverge and so does the respective understanding and empathy. The Mars and Venus syndrome prevails as an explanation and very little attempt is made by either side to genuinely understand what is happening. Because the female menopause is a recognised medical condition it has genuine validation, but for men it is very different. Apparently the general trend is that by the time most men are 50, the 2.4 children have been fed, housed, clothed, shepherded and funded through university. The time is approaching for grand-dad duties and there is no further need to spend every waking hour at work to fund the whole enterprise. Because of the time spent away from the day-to-day domestic scene he is out of touch with the history, hierarchy and routine of it all and now his wife is going through “the change” it perhaps alters another, albeit pleasurable, husbandly function. Effectively he is in danger of becoming an aimless taxi driver and cash machine destined to push the trolley around the supermarket with a practised vacant stare as he tries to pass off looking at other young women as being interested in biological and non-biological washing powder. I would like to think this scenario does not develop too often but I am told it is exactly the one that fills 38 to 45 year-olds with a desperate mortal dread. The fear of being pointless, pitiable and pathetic instead of strong, sexy and being taken seriously. The question “Is this it?” runs constantly through your mind. Thoughts turn to missed opportunities, desires and dreams not fulfilled. The battle to keep the belly flat, the hair on top of the head instead of everywhere south of the scalp and even the distinguished grey of George Clooney is not enough to stave off the the craving for hair colour. Because he is now affluent the teenage desire for a nice motorbike, that ended with the arrival of the children and the necessity for a car, is possible to fulfil. But instead of a 125cc it becomes an 850cc with his and hers matching leathers. People often sit around and semi sneer, and chuckle at these men calling it a “mid-life crisis”, more by way of a joke than an explanation. This behaviour is normal and apparently is an acknowledgement of the loss of youth. For a man with dreams and desires, shelved whilst accepting family responsibilities, the realisation that, at best, he will only be able to visit them one last time before they become totally inappropriate is as traumatic for a feeling man as the menopause is for a woman. Who can he talk to for understanding? Everyone tells him he’s being pathetic and he ought to act his age (whatever that means and by whose criteria?). Through the years of providing for the family did anyone think to ask what his dreams and desires were, or did you think that helping you to fulfil yours was his only function. The truth is dreams and desires should evolve along with you. Don’t shelve desires but develop / modify them. Each stage of life is fantastic with different challenges, pleasures and experiences that cannot be fully appreciated by someone at a different stage. Don’t try to hang onto the things of a previous age or you will miss out on the wonderful experiences of the stage you’re in and you will be forever playing catch up. The pathos of La Boheme is all but lost on a thrusting executive in his 20s whereas the latest online gismo is pointless junk to a 50-something painting tranquil watercolours. If dreams are not achieved in the stage of your life when they are appropriate, leave them behind and develop new ones appropriate for that time, discuss them with others, you never know... your partner may quite fancy having a bash themselves! The change of life for a man can be as emotionally traumatic and life-changing as the menopause is for a woman but because it is not generally recognised as a bona fide condition, its excess can go unchecked. Families are broken while he goes in pursuit of almost lost dreams and life goals, and his trauma and pain are then compounded by divorce and legal proceedings not to mention family alienation. Husbands and fathers are real people with their own desires, dreams and disappointments quite apart from the ones you know about. They have complex personalities they sometimes don’t understand themselves. Convention says dad deals with the practical things and problemsolving, but sometimes he is in need of being heard. Confidential counselling is perfect for men to examine who they are, where they are and where they are going, and to be taken seriously. Male menopause may not be a clearly defined medical condition but it is a serious emotional condition and its treatment can determine whether it is met with dignity or destruction. Other people may scoff but at least you had dreams and who knows, it may be possible to modify them into something still achievable, without destroying years of hard work. You may not be sitting on Cloud nine at present but if you aim for Cloud 27 you stand a good chance of getting close to it.

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